Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Dangers of Anorexic Neck Ties

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Jeremy had an important meeting this week at work and so last weekend we went tie shopping. Just to sharpen his edge a little. Just to give him that Hey there handsome, what's your name glance in the mirror before leaving for work. It sounded like a good idea. Buying a new tie is a reasonable enough thing to do, right?

Oh, if only it were that easy.

Jeremy trailed behind as we mazed our way through the men's section. But I didn't have to worry about losing him because every minute or so he would exhale loud, exasperated sighs as if on forced march. We'd been shopping about twenty minutes, but judging by Jeremy's grunts one might have assumed we were hiking and lost in the brush, and I suppose in some respects, we were.

There are too many ties, Jeremy complained, shifting the single item in his hand to the other arm. It amazes me how quickly my otherwise strong and hardy young husband wilts with fatigue while shopping.

At least there's a good selection, I soldiered on, determined not to let our "date night" spiral downward.

What is this? These ties? They're too...skinny. Who wears these ties, small children? Elves? Jeremy held up a tie as if expecting an answer.

I don't know hon, it's the modern, contemporary look isn't it? 

What is this? Who wears this kind of thing. I don't understand. I do. not. understand. Jeremy muttered his criticisms aloud as he sifted through the ties. I glanced around, my face starting to warm.

They're just ties Jer. Try that rack over there, I pointed.

What is this? I don't understand, he insisted, unmoved by my effort to remain positive even though we were clearly surrounded by unsuitably anorexic neck wear. He dangled a tie in front of my nose. Can you explain this because I don't get it. I do not understand at all. 

What don't you understand? I finally snapped. What exactly don't you understand? Some people like really, really skinny ties. They're trendy. You don't have to wear them.

I'm just saying they're too skinny. If Nate were here I'm sure he would agree that they should at least be bigger than...

Okay, enough with the ties. How about we look at shoes instead? I steered Jeremy away from the tie racks feeling that uncomfortable kind of je ne sais quoi. Only a second later I pin pointed it. I recognized exactly what I was feeling. It was like the time Elisabeth threw her entire baggie of Cheerios all over Old Navy. Or the time Kate hid from me in TJ Maxx. Or the time I carried two of my girls at the same time kicking and screaming out of a bookstore. Must it always be this excruciating, was what I was feeling. Can we never venture into public? I don't know why I thought it would be any different with my husband. Tie shopping these days is clearly a dangerously crazy, riddle-laden endeavor. One can't help but feel slightly lost, angry, and resentful amid all those skinny ties.

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