Showing Up

Where does the time go? This is where we started two years ago. I love the fur on his shoulders. All of my babies arrived a month early, born before they lost their fur. 

Now we're here. Escaping down the street on his big sister's pink scooter. He has found several ways to get out of the house and at least once a week now I look up and realize he's gone and race to haul him back inside. I'm making it sound like he's a house prisoner, but I promise I "walk the dog" everyday. I have to. Otherwise he won't sleep long enough.

Most days I rush through the "getting ready for his nap" routine. Change the diaper. Fly through whichever "truck" book is the daily pick. Sing a song at a fast forward speed while I'm throwing him in bed, and then I'm outta there. I have two hours to make something happen. Thank you to those who have emailed and face booked me over the past few months to let me know you miss my blog posts. You'll never know how much your faith in me matters. It's always that way isn't it, you just never know what words can become. I suppose that's why I've chosen this line of work. I may not be blogging regularly, but I'm investing my words in other projects. I work every afternoon, and little by little it's moving forward, both inside me and on the page. I'm trying to keep the long view.

This afternoon I relaxed into my rocking chair and held my little boy. We sang songs together; he can hardly contain himself when he hears anyone singing. He loves to sing. So we rocked and sang, and he snuggled into me in a way that made me realize that soon enough he will be too big for my lap. "Mama sad?" he asked, poking an index finger into my eye ball to touch my tears. 

Every hour of every day we get to choose where and for how long we're going to show up. Sometimes dividing up the hours is excruciating, as though there's never enough to fill all the hungry bellies. Last night Jeremy got home from a business trip late at night and said to me, "I'm trying so hard to make it happen at work, with you and the kids, with my church calling. But there are so many nights when I'm sitting at my computer and my eyelids involuntarily begin to close and I have to go to bed hoping it was enough." What a thing to hear from your spouse. I didn't know what to say, except that I see all that he is doing and whatever it is from day to day, it's enough. It has to be, and that is true for all of us. The best we can do is to show up and trust that in the long run we were exactly where we needed to be.