I Like to Eat! Is That Such a Crime?

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Yesterday I had a friend tell me that someone recently commented on her holiday baking related "weight gain" and expressed concern for her health goals and weight management. 

I know. Twenty-four hours later and I am still cringing too. 

And just so we're clear, my friend is an extremely petite person and is probably the last woman in the United States of America who I would worry about in terms of health goals and weight management. Only wait a minute: I'm not worrying about other people's health goals and weight management at all! I realize that there are people who work in the medical field, or the health, weight loss, or exercise industry, and in that case they may feel it's their job to be concerned about other people's choices. But even then, I subscribe pretty hard to the "don't come to me, I'll come to you" mentality. It feels like a fairly basic human principle that any sort of change, especially health and weight related change, needs to come from an individual on their own terms and initiative. 

For most women, it feels like a large part of the human condition is to learn to get along nicely with their own body and to let go of other people's hurtful words and/or perceptions. This morning a different friend mentioned that she had someone very helpfully inform her that due to her thick wrists, she would probably always struggle with her weight. This comment was made twenty years ago. Twenty years ago. And yet my friend has never forgotten the sting of that comment. This type of "helpful" feedback is so damaging, and yet it's pervasive.

There have been periods of my life when I have felt especially vulnerable to body image pressures, and what I should or should not be doing differently. Occasionally these negative messages have come from family or friends, and I have felt the external pressure to step up, do better, exercise more diligently, and live a different sort of way. I've been the recipient of all sorts of unsolicited advice on how to diet more effectively and achieve more dramatic weight loss. And while I'm not offended by the good intentions of others, I think it demonstrates poor social skills. Let me say that again: I think it is socially inconsiderate to introduce unsolicited diet and weight related concerns to other people because the majority of the time it will either be received as criticism or negative pressure in terms of body image. Don't assume that what works for you will work for others. We are all incredibly different, our lives are different, and our physical, mental, and emotional capacities and priorities are different. 

I realize that for some, talking about diet and weight inspires their competitive spirit and motivates them to action. There may be people in your life who absolutely share this attitude, and they are your girls. If your workout partner wants to talk all day long on the best ways to count calories, hooray. But we need to remove the assumption that others want our feedback, even when we have expert advice to offer. It's not that we just need to handle the conversation more delicately either. I'm not suggesting we tiptoe around the diet conversation so that people don't get hurt feelings. What I'm suggesting is that we stop talking about it all together, unless it is deliberately invited. I'm saying that issuing health advice has somehow become mainstream conversational fodder, and it shouldn't be. I'm saying that our choices, priorities, schedules, and habits...these things are personal. Our situations are different. Although exercise and health are important to me, I've had two sports injuries in the last two years that I've been trying to heal, for a long time battling depression and anxiety made intense exercise difficult, and for me, dessert is non-negotiable. These factors have undoubtedly influenced my overall health and weight, but I don't really want to explain that to other people. I just do the best I can, and when my time and energy is geared toward positive goals, I find that I don't give a huge amount of thought to it otherwise. So, it's hard for me understand why others might have an opinion.

At the risk of soapboxing on what I suspect is probably a controversial topic, I want to suggest that those who have found great happiness, strength, validation, and even professional success in the exercise and dieting department should resist the urge to proselyte. Your example will do a wonderful job of attracting those who are seeking your specific brand of advice. Then you can cultivate that passion with those who legitimately share your same habits and lifestyle. But keep in mind, even among health enthusiasts, all points of intersection may not be the same. The friend you run with every single morning may be devoted to cheeseburgers even though you maintain a strict vegan regimen. I have been eating a fairly rigid gluten-free diet the past five months, and although by necessity I sometimes have to ask others what ingredients are in the food they are offering, you will never hear me preaching against the evils of gluten into a megaphone. Gluten is actually my favorite thing ever; my body just happens to hate it. 

I don't want my message to be misconstrued in any way as anti-health, anti-exercise, or anything of the sort. I choose to exercise regularly, and I try to moderate my daily chocolate intake so that I maintain maximum happiness without getting a headache. When I feel bad about myself or out of balance, I listen to my body and do something differently. I have written past blogs and will write more in the future about living your best life and being your best self, and inescapably, that involves a healthy relationship with your corporeal self. How you feel inside your own body absolutely matters. But how I feel inside my own body absolutely does not, or should not, matter to you. And how we go about achieving happiness with our own body is a personal endeavor.

I'd like to highlight my sister-in-law Heather as a wonderful embodiment of how to be a devoted health enthusiast without alienating others. Heather has a strong family history of medical challenges, and so maintaining healthy habits has always been a huge priority in her life. In fact, barring personal illness, there isn't a week that goes by, ever, that Heather isn't exercising, eating nutritiously, and keeping up with regular doctor check ups. But what's great about Heather is that she doesn't push these deeply ingrained habits on other people. She doesn't urge me to do it her way or check up on me. Most importantly, Heather never makes me feel inadequate because my health commitment isn't anywhere near the level of hers. But I have asked Heather for tips and advice over the years, and I've definitely felt inspired by the way she takes care of her body. She does her life and I do mine, and mostly, I really appreciate that she allows me to be me.

Since I intended this to be an opinion piece, I've summarized my main points: 

• Stop offering opinions, feedback, concern, or solutions for other people's bodies.
• Adapt to the idea that people come in all different shapes and sizes, and that they get to choose their own body adventure in this life. Your own health principles may resist this notion, but if you pursue an agenda with pre-determined health and body type ideals, you will alienate a large part of the population, hurt feelings, and lose your power to inspire people toward good health. 
• If health and fitness is your thing, enjoy the freedom to be the healthiest version of yourself in whatever way you want, and know that your discipline and perseverance probably inspires many. 
• If health and fitness isn't really your thing, enjoy the freedom to be who you are. You are a grown up, and you get to choose your own life. Also, just know that all of your talents, gifts, and amazing qualities inspire many. 

Let me end by referencing one of my all-time favorite movie scenes from School of Rock. A school girl, Tomika, is confiding in her substitute teacher, Dewey Finn (played by actor Jack Black), about her body image issues. Here is the dialogue that follows: 

Dewey Finn:
You've heard of Aretha Franklin, right?

Tomika:
[Tomika nods]

Dewey Finn:
She's a big lady. But when she sings, she blows people's minds. Everyone wants to party with Aretha! And, you know who else has a weight issue?

Tomika:
Who?

Dewey Finn:
Me. But when I get up there and start doing my thing, people worship me! Because I'm sexy, and chubby, man.

Tomika:
Why don't you go on a diet?

Dewey Finn:
Because I like to eat! Is that such a crime?

I can't say it any better than Jack Black. You can live however you want, but I like to eat. Is that such a crime?