A PSA for Teenage Girls

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We are a girl family. Technically, Jeremy and James (8) live at our house too, but let's be clear, this household is overrun by women and I love it at a ten. You can keep your milky cheeked infants, and precocious toddlers. The natural curiosity and tender heartedness of grade school kids is appealing, but you can have those too. I'm not going to even mention the puberty-aged middle schoolers...we probably all can agree on that phase, so let's just quietly back away from the wild rhinoceros. But I like teenagers. I like their wit, sass, style, and intensity. I like their almost-grown up ideas, feelings, and preferences. I like that we agree on many of the same things, from food, to movies, to napping on Sunday afternoon. But since teenage girls are only partly evolved human beings, prone to all sorts of misunderstandings and confusion, I thought I'd take a quick minute to clear some things up. Please keep in mind that my teenagers vetted and edited this list so that I don't "embarrass them," but overall we peaceably agree that these super helpful reminders are one hundred percent accurate. Okay, they completely disagree with most of these suggestions, but that's kind of the reason why I'm spelling it out!

A Public Service Announcement for Teenage Girls

1- A sports bra is not a shirt. I can see how super stores might confuse you, showcasing sports bras along side athletic shirts. But the bra is actually supposed to go under the shirt. It's not an either/or situation.

2- Six tortilla chips and one bite of a granola bar is not "breakfast."

3- The phrase "going to bed" suggests physically getting in bed, turning out your light, and going to sleep. Binge watching The Office reruns isn't the same thing. 

4- When I suggested you read, I was referring to actual books. Scrolling social media posts isn't the same thing. And like I always remind you, "There are these things called books [...] They are like t.v. for smart people" (Bill Bryson, A Walk in the Woods). 

5- Please stop telling your other siblings that you are my favorite. I'm glad you think so, but I more or less love all of my children equally, depending on the day and who is (mis)behaving. 

6- Parents cannot stay up as late as you binge watching t.v. shows. They have to get up, they have responsibilities. So, please have mercy. We are old and tired, and we need to sleep. Okay fine. One more episode, but that's IT. 

7- Okay, so let me help you master the nighttime/daytime concept. So, nighttime is when the sun is down and it's dark outside. That's when you're supposed to sleep. Daytime is when it's light outside, and that is when you are supposed to be awake. 

8- You do not need another pair of shoes.

9- A bag of Smartpop and one chocolate chip cookie is not the same thing as lunch. 

10- The phrase "come straight home" means you come straight home. Stopping at your friend's house or to go through a drive thru isn't the same thing. 

11- We cannot have Chipotle burrito bowls for dinner every night.

12- Please stop leaving empty Chipotle burrito bowls on your bathroom counter. 

13- Here is the trick about figuring out who owns which shoes: the ones lined up neatly in my closet, including the Cheetah vans and the Paul Green nude heels, belong to me. The shoes all over your closet floor and scattered around by the front door belong to you.

14- You can borrow my shoes if you promise to put them back. 

15- When I said, "Put them back," I meant back in my closet, not back in our house scattered around by the front door.

16- Given the fact that your pajama shorts look like underwear, you may not wear them when other people come to our house.

17- You do not need another pair of jeans. Or joggers. Why are you even buying lip gloss? We wear masks everywhere?

18- Your need to "add a few more curls" is not a good reason to make our entire family late.

19- I'm not exactly sure, but I'm guessing that your dad took your bedroom door off its hinges because you were talking back again and you have the sassiest mouth in the United States of America. 

20- Stop telling the younger kids that you are dad's favorite. Dad doesn't have a favorite. Actually dad definitely has a favorite. I'm dad's favorite. 

21- Eating nine Oreos and then fasting for the rest of the day is not a "healthy choice." 

22- I love it that you are trying to be active by going to the gym. However, walking the freaking dog is also an acceptable form of exercise. 

23- Ten o'clock on Saturday morning is not "the middle of the night" (see #7).

24- Stop insisting that all of those hours of screen time were due to "school work." Hello. Your phone tells me how much time you've been on Tik Tok. 

25- The rule is that you have to turn in your electronics at 11pm every night. That doesn't mean you can swipe your eight year old brother's chrome book to binge watch "All American" after we've gone to bed.

26- It's hard to be a teenage girl. You're trying to feel comfortable in your body, you're trying to figure out what you're good at and what you like to do, and most importantly, you're learning all kinds of relationship skills. Here's the news. You are going to make mistakes, get it wrong, hurt people's feelings, and in general have some regrets. So will all of your friends, every single one. But mostly, you are going to nail it. 

Keep up the good work ladies! And for goodness sake, go put a shirt on.